The Stoic Blueprint for a Great Partnership
Your partner isn’t “yours.” They’re not your soulmate. They’re a daily duty, if you’re lucky. A good partner is both mirror and map, reflecting your best and worst, helping you become who you said you’d be.
Real relationships aren’t fairy tales, at least not the ones that last and produce anything of value. Moments of intimacy can also be war zones for ego and emotions, which require daily discipline to deal with. Everyone who has ever been part of a functioning, productive partnership knows it takes work. But the type of work you do at the various stages of love matters.
Dating: Character holds. Performance doesn’t.
Dating starts with performance. We try to impress with charm, humor, and appearances. We present curated versions of ourselves that are fitter, kinder, and more emotionally intelligent than we actually are. You’ve seen time and time again how dating built on personality always collapses under the weight of time.
Want to chase a real partner? Stop performing. Start disclosing. Let them reject the real you now instead of anyone resenting you later. Great partnerships start with self-awareness and the courage to be honest, even at the cost of a second date.
Two big truths to remember in dating at any stage of life:
Everyone is weird.
Find your weird.
Also remember, attraction is not an achievement. It’s the first and easiest step on the way to a deeper connection. Immature lovers relish in attraction. Real connection can only happen when people are left with the fully authentic version of you and love it all.
Are you being honest about what attracts and repels you? Are you understanding what attracts them without projecting? What value can you actually offer another human? Are they the right ones for them? For the both of two?
If you’ve read Ruthless, you know my relationship history before my wife was shameful. I was an ego-driven opportunist who changed personalities to get what I wanted. If she wanted a bad boy, I was very bad. Mr. Right? I quoted boy bands and rom-coms like gospel. But I was never myself. Until this partner.
Did I find my true self before meeting my wife? No. I was still lost and unfaithful well into our relationship, but she stuck around anyway. As part of my rebuild, we began a ritual of weekly date nights, still sacred today. Rarely glamorous, our date nights usually find us at the kitchen table hashing out where we’re failing or planning some new project together. Yes, we have fun. If you’ve met my wife she’d be the first to tell you she can’t do much of anything unless it’s fun. But I’m me, so I’m often reminding her that fun isn’t the purpose of our relationship. It’s ensuring we grow together for as long as it’s feasible, destined, or desired by either of us.
So should every one of your dates include uncomfortable conversations? Absolutely. Not the whole time, but enough to deepen your connection.
This is important: aim to listen more than you speak. Support without projecting your own story. Understand their goals without offering “better” ones. You’re not a guidance counselor. You’re a partner helping them stay true to what they chose, independent of you. Be grateful they picked you to join them. Real love isn’t projecting your dreams onto them. But it does include helping them see what’s in their best interest.
Commitment: Routine is Life
The shift from fireworks to a slow burn requires real, boring love. Verb love. The kind you do daily. Big sacrifices like working or parenting are obvious. But it’s the micro-moments that matter most. The little things that express that you’re there for them, not just with them.
When the white-hot passion fades and you become serious, you’re left with chores, bills, and poop conversations. This is where most couples give up. Not because anything’s broken, but because it’s not magical anymore.
Partnership is about lightening your partner’s load so they can chase what matters to them. How much of their burden are you truly carrying right now?
The golden rule of commitment: Show up consistently. Not just with them. For them.
That means having your own house in order. You can’t serve another person if you’re secretly hoping for their validation. That’s dependency, not love. Read Covey’s 7 Habits. Understand the difference between codependence and interdependence. The former drains. The latter builds.
My wife and I are both Stoics-in-training. We believe any action not grounded in virtue is a kind of evil. That includes time spent together. If we’re walking in the park but not growing or connecting, we’ve wasted something sacred. You don’t need to solve world problems, but you do need to move closer, on purpose.
How? Anchor your time together in your shared purpose. For many couples, that’s family. But if you don’t have kids, then your “why” must be even sharper.
No Kids? Give Back or Fade Out
If kids aren’t part of your story, your partnership still has to give something to the world. Society doesn’t care how much money or land you’ve accumulated. If you’re not contributing, you’ll end up behind bars or forgotten.
Sound harsh? Look at history. Caesar, Antoinette, Epstein. It didn’t end well for the ones who led with ego, chasing money, power, or indulgence. It’s the ones who give something back that get to stick around at the top levels of civilization the longest.
Great couples create a win-win culture. They don’t compromise who they are. They lift each other higher. They make each other better. And what they build spills over to bless others.
Family: Purpose Over Everything Else
I once heard a woman talk about her mother, a powerful figure in government. As a kid, she hated how absent her mom was. But later, she saw it differently. She saw how her mom wasn’t explaining how to be great. She was showing her. That’s parenthood.
Your parents failed you. Mine did too. They all do. This is our shot to do better.
Kids test everything from sleep to schedules and libido to horrific things like your relationship with discipline and integrity. If your foundation as a couple is shaky, kids will never fix it. They’ll always expose the cracks.
Partners who crumble forget this too quickly: It’s not you versus your partner. It’s both of you versus chaos. Forget balance. Seek rhythm. Sometimes you lead. Sometimes you follow. Just keep going together. And stop making comfort the goal. Your kids’ health and growth is yours and their comfort. That’s enough of a reward.
Midlife: The Reckoning
I’ve seen hundreds of marriages end as a divorce attorney. The common culprits are abuse, infidelity, and addiction. But the most devastating reason? Couples fail to consider what happens next.
What’s the new shared purpose when the kids are grown? Whose career is going to go stale first? Who steps up? What happens when bodies change? Who’s taking care of their health now for the long game and who is slacking?
Every couple gets here. But some enjoy the planet with fervor together while others drift into quiet resentment. The ones who stay curious about the world, each other, and themselves are the winners. The ones who retreat into separate hobbies or seek comfort like addicts are the ones who end up angry and alone.
An identity crisis destroys reputations and families. The worst ones can shock communities and ruin businesses. Men wonder if they missed out. They fantasize about starting over. Women finally ask why they tolerated so much for so long. If neither leaves, affairs or breakdowns follow. The truth is the crisis isn’t your partner.
The problem is you. They’re just holding the mirror.
Want to fix it? Get curious again. Start with yourself.
Retirement: Companionship or Contempt
At the end of your life, you won’t care how many trips you took. You’ll care who you took them with. If you’ve done it right, one day you’ll end up with a whole lot of quiet days with your partner at your side.
This is where you find out if you were teammates or glorified roommates. If you feel like you’re the latter, it’s not too late to build something new. But it has to be with purpose.
For anyone looking for a new partner in the gray days, don’t forget: find your weird.
Beyond that, I’ve still got some dark in my beard and I’m nowhere near retirement, so I’m not going to opine too much on partnerships in later years beyond what I’ve witnessed.
Final Thoughts
I’m halfway through my fourth decade and I’ve learned most people never get the relationship they want because they never do the work to be someone they admire. That’s a very needed step on the path to find a great partner, but even more so when it comes to dealing with life.
Remember, your character comes first and before personality always. Similarly, don’t let your partner fall short of it either.
Stop waiting for a great partner. Be one. Do it together and it will be the most important endeavor you’ll ever undertake.
Need help? Start with Sit Down, Let’s Talk, A Couples Check-In, Ruthless, The Honesty Experiment, or give me a call.
