How to Play Like a Stoic
Work hard. Play harder.
If you’ve been in the military, you probably understand that statement more than most. The physical, emotional, and mental strain of service is immense, and rightly so. But when the work is done, the play is legendary. No one cuts loose like a tight team fresh off hard work without family around to curtail the chaos.
Twenty years ago, my play was physical, loud, chaotic, and very social. Sports. Beaches. Bars. Roughhousing. Chasing tail. Always with people. Always with laughter. And yeah, usually way too much booze.
These days, the booze is minimal, but the rest is still in heavy rotation. I don’t play often because I’m a hedonist. I play often because I’m a Stoic.
Stoicism isn’t about sitting still and stewing in silence. It’s about living according to nature. And guess what’s natural? Play. Isn’t it one of civilization’s greatest perks? When the animals aren’t chasing us, when our bellies are full, and threats are distant, what do we do? We dance. We spar. We tease. We laugh a lot.
Play isn’t something we grow out of. It’s something we grow into, if we’re wise. Of course, it must be moderated. But let’s stop pretending play is some post-modern indulgence. Play is ancient. Play is very human. But most of you have forgotten how to do it right. I can tell. I’ve got a radar for it now. Most of you don’t play at all. And the few who do? You’re doing it very wrong. You probably don’t even know what that means: playing correctly.
Let’s fix that.
Play isn’t supposed to just feel good, it’s supposed to do good. That’s the part most of us miss; especially men, and especially, especially the ones who are using work or people or things to get pleasure and comfort. Play is not ever something that is supposed to be comfortable. And it is never just for your benefit. It’s also not just reserved for times before or after work. It’s not a reward you earn, it’s a muscle you need to keep strong if you want to be useful to anyone.
If you’re not playing, you’re never going to be able to claim you experienced life fully. And guess what? The people around you feel it more than you realize. Your children feel it every day. Your partner has felt it for years. Your team at work? They probably never felt what it’s like to play around you.
Play as a Father
With your kids, play is the bridge and an opportunity for you to show them how to live cheerfully. You know you can tell kids what to do forever and a day, but if you’re not willing to literally get down on your hands and knees with them, roll around, climb something, throw something at them, or get into their imaginary world, they won’t ever be able to trust you like you want them to. They might obey you, but they’ll never follow you. Play teaches your kid that your presence is safe, strong, and joyful; no matter what life throws at your family. That’s what makes you a father, the leader of your family and not just a guy who pays for stuff.
What are you doing now versus what did your father do with you? Be honest. Are you doing some of the same things he did? How’d that turn out?
You need to transcend what you’ve been conditioned to believe is appropriate or good. That means you need to get educated about what a truly good parent does when it comes to play; and you need to understand how important it is. Don’t worry, I’m not serving that kind of wisdom here today. Being the best parent you can be is uniquely your journey based on the type of parent you want to be. But you also need to recognize you don’t know anything other than what feels natural; and sometimes that isn’t good for anyone, especially your little ones.
You need to listen to the experts. My real advice: go find every answer you need about being a parent by searching the internet; but do this: put “NIH” at the end of your search. That will give you articles from the United States National Institute of Health about the topic you’re interested in. I know a lot of people are going to cringe when it comes to taking advice from the government about how to raise your kids, but you need to think for yourself here. Who are the experts? You’re going to say yourself and other parents are experts. No, you’re not. Remember, you’re an expert in your kid only; and you're not that great. Do you really think you’re going to win an argument with an expert on childhood behavior who has spent their entire life reading every bit of literature on the subject? Your google search history probably says otherwise.
No, you’re not an expert, so stop claiming you are. Put your ego aside and find out what you’re actually supposed to be doing with your kids. But don’t listen to me. Again, find the experts and let them tell you what you need to be doing.
Play with Friends
With your friends, play is everything. Most men won’t talk about their fears directly with friends, but they’ll always show up to play. That’s perfect. Do more of that. Pickup games, poker night, road trips to stupid museums, even immature group chats; they all matter. Shared laughter, competition, and side-by-side strife builds trust. And, ready for it guys, it also builds intimacy. You don’t need to cry to be close, but you should. You just need to show up for the guy next to you. That’s loyalty and devotion. Remember, love is a verb. Doing something for someone and enjoying it, that’s love. That butt slap? Love. But I want you to look at how often you’re actually showing up. If you’re not able to actually slap a bud’s butt a few times a month, you’re doing friendship wrong. Just show up. Friendship always takes precedence over politics, religion, income, or status for those willing to be there for others.
Play at Work
With your colleagues, play is what determines whether you have culture and it should be the norm. A strong team requires the workplace and everything about it convey an upbeat attitude. That means the conversations, decorations, policies, and meeting areas all express tones that people want to be. Tell jokes everyday, no matter how stupid. Make things fun. Make fun of things that happen all the time and make fun of yourself every chance you get. Turn boring tasks into challenges with a tangible reward or an embarrassing consequence.
People bond over shared struggles and good missions. Work shouldn’t always be a struggle. If there isn’t fun being created during the mission, it’s going to feel a bit darker when things fall apart; which they always do. Teams that work well are cheerful when they have to pick up someone who’s struggling. Would you be cheerful if someone asked you to cover their shift tonight knowing it’s going to keep you from whatever plans you have? The companies that transcend good and become sustainable and great always find a way to make the workplace and attitude of their employees cheerful. If you’re going to be a great colleague, you have to foster that mindset. But you need to live it first.
So, let’s take stock so far. You’re not playing with your kids the best way possible and you’re giving little to no effort to make your professional experience continually cheerful. What about the other scenes you find yourself in? When I say community, what do you think of? The area around your residence? Think about the people you see every day and don’t check in on.
Play in Your Communities
You’re part of many communities and you probably never even noticed. A community is anywhere people gather to achieve a common objective. Your breakfast table. The gym. The person next to you on the morning commute. The coffee shop. The restaurant. The bank. The gas station. These are all communities you’re not making better; just using. I’ve got a rule you need to follow: If you see someone more than zero times every week, you need to know their name and you need to ask how they’re doing. With a smile. Got it? That’s it. That’s adding to your communities a lot more than you’re probably doing now. Whether you take action when anyone asks for help is up to you.
Play With Your Partner
With your partner, play isn’t the spark that lights romantic intimacy, it’s what keeps it alive. The spark? That happened eons ago and probably created a wildfire that could char the entire Amazon. If you’re trying to reignite your relationship now, you’re using ashes for embers, dude. Just to be Crystal Lake clear: play means to slap uglies, scrump, or engage in general coital bingo bongo. You can call yourselves partners because you play euchre together, but if you’re not rubbing bodies until something comes out of one of you, you’re not in an intimate relationship. That’s life with a roommate you share meals and kids with.
When the intimacy flame dies, so does the drive to serve each other. Be honest for a few seconds; I bet you’re a lot nicer to someone when you want them, huh? Attraction changes how you treat people. That’s not bad. It’s just true. The difference is whether you use that truth to build something deeper or get what you want.
When you play regularly with your partner, teasing, chasing, joking, and exploring feels magnetic again; not like the chore you think it is right now. You stop telling your story as co-parents, coworkers, or glorified roommates. You become lovers again. Or you’ll realize you never should have stuck around. Remember, that’s good too. But again, it’s up to you to gain the courage to do something about it.
I’m not selling you a secret. A healthy sex life with a partner you enjoy serving makes everything better. Imagine having fun daily, knowing a laugh or moment of excitement is around the corner. Knowing that will really help lighten the load of whatever happens today or tomorrow. The letdown stings of life disappear quicker, and wins feel like icing below the sweetest of cherries. Those silent moments of direct eye contact between two lovers who just banged each other's brains out or want to? That, my friends, is pure connection in the best way. However, it wouldn’t hurt to remind a few of you, like anything in life, fun and play must be earned and moderated to appropriate times and places.
Whatcha Gonna Do?
So here’s the challenge: Reclaim play as a practice, not as an indulgence. Play isn’t a luxury reserved for the wealthy or healthy. Playing is a core part of who you are and how you’ll find true joy in your existence. First, you need to stop thinking play is optional. You must build it into your day. Of course, not every moment should be rooted in fun and pleasure; but being cheerful in every scene should be the default mood for you at all times.
So go play with everyone, even those you don’t know yet. Laugh more. Make something dumb and beautiful. Go chase, flirt, wrestle, tease, test, build, risk. The world doesn’t need more boring people who are tired. It needs more of us who are alive and cheerful.
If you need help figuring out how to play or what to do, find me.
